It looks like my last update to this blog was on March 27, not long after Heather moved into long-term care at Northwood Care here in Halifax, Nova Scotia. There’s been a lot of water under the bridge since then… It’s been one heck of a tumultuous, and I would say torturous adjustment for me. It took a while for Heather to adjust as well, however, due to Heather’s inability to communicate and her ongoing cognitive decline, and the dulling of her thought processing (I’m assuming that’s the case through observation), it may not have been such an issue for her. I honestly can’t tell if she remembers her previous life or not, and I indeed can’t even tell if she’s in discomfort or bothered by anything. That’s the nature of this disease. She can be brought to laughter a bit once in a while, but she often sits there just slumped in her chair too.
She’s lost all of her mobility and no longer walks, and she’s confined to a wheelchair all day. They use an overhead hoist to lift her out of the chair and into her bed. I could go on and on about these staggering changes and her decline, but it’s just so sad. Meanwhile, however, the staff at Northwood is top-notch. They are all so kind and compassionate and loving and skilled at what they do. My gratitude for them is boundless and I’ll never forget it. Continuing Care workers are truly heroes in our community.
I’ve been updating my YouTube channel very regularly and I would encourage you to subscribe to see what’s going on, and to follow the journey (the link is shared below). It’s a great way to communicate and it provides me with a bit of an outlet and some therapy. I have also tried some sessions with a professional counsellor, and I might try that again at some point. This is in addition to participating in a couple of monthly peer groups for caregivers and partners of people with dementia.
I find the house is so painfully empty and quiet these days. After more than forty years of having very my best friend and the love of my life to talk to you and share things with , now the place just feels so hollow and empty. Heather is still alive of course but my heart is broken. It’s a grieving process and it’s long and drawn out and it’s not over yet. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so soft-hearted or didn’t have such a powerful love in my marriage, but it is what it is.
I’ve try to do normal day-to-day activities and stay socially engaged and complete the projects around the house, but I’m often unsuccessful in and find myself in a state of deep malaise. When I go to a social event sometimes I find myself sitting there as people chat and talk in happy excited tones and I just can’t do it. The other day I was walking through the shopping centre and suddenly I started wondering whether Heather might be too warm in her room or uncomfortable or tired of hearing voices and noise around her, all while being totally unable to express herself, and I started weeping as I walked – right out of the blue! One day in the future I’ll be settled and back to my easy-going self but for now I’ll just let myself live this way. As one of my YouTube channel subscribers said… I should “let ‘er rip”.
I get so many tremendously supportive comments, and feedback from people who can relate and share exactly what I’m going through, and I get a lot of gratitude as well because I’m articulating things they have thought about or struggled with, but maybe didn’t feel like expressing on their own. So the message of You Are Not Alone is getting out there, and it’s so important and it helps viewers and readers, and it helps me too.
Here’s my YouTube channel.
